Emergency Cabaret Meeting

If I was ever in a band, I would call it that. I'm watching this documentary called "Stage Door," where all these THEATER kids go to summer camp and act all THEATERISH. Whoa. It's sooo gay, it makes me feel straight. Of course, these kids have been confined to their normal high schools, waiting all year, so when summer comes they can SING and DANCE and ACT! When gayness manifests on this level, I truly get a mental image of a gusher jetting out of an oil well. Gay geyser. More jazz hands then I've seen in a bit. More hoary old war-horse musicals then I can stomach. Even me, a self-confessed theater gay when I was a kid, is repelled. I think if I was here I would just play football all day.

The big moment in the film is when they call an "Emergency Cabaret Meeting." No one should ever call an Emergency Cabaret Meeting. Or, maybe they should. If I ran a business, I might just send out the text message to all my employees:

EMERGENCY CABARET MEETING

I've decided I want to do a follow-up film where I show up at this Thespian Land. Kids ask me if I'm a counselor, but I tell them I'm a camper. I have a glandular disorder. Crone's disease. I also wanted to do this on the set of Visionquest: just show up on a kid's wrestling team, throwing nine year olds to the floor. If anyone challenges my age, I say, "Hey, are you making fun of my handicap? I've gotten a fucking disease! I've got two weeks, tops!"