Midget in the Shrubs

The Big Boss Man is coming to Hollywood Death Cabs. We’re all on code-red-anxiety alert. They even put that fool Dirk, out by the Chateau Marmont. The fucking midget was hiding behind a shrub, and he was making sure that each and every Hollywood Death Cab that went by, read the new script for Belushi’s demise verbatim. We actually have to say the words “John Belushi, international comedic juggernaut. This was the day the laughter died,” and then be silent for about 20 seconds. Oh boy. We all had nasty riffs here, remembering we’re in the ENTERTAINMENT biz, not the eulogy one. And of course, each lil’ maverick tried to do a part of the spiel, but couldn’t resist adding their own fun (one loves to play this clip of Belushi in Animal House going “Guess what I am now?” and then scream “YOU’RE DEAD!!!”). And, of course, Dirk nailed each and every one of us. Me included. As we got back into dispatch, we heard that the dwarf-king caught us, we were all dinged 5 bucks pay for the day, and given the script to memorize VERBATIM!!! Apparently, the Big Boss Man, who owns are lil’ operation is on his way next week, and therefore, when he takes the tour, it needs to be as scrubbed clean, and boring as possible. To be a commercial for whatever we are whoring for the moment: BUY BAZOOKA JOE BUBBLEGUM!! Yup, we had to do a commercial for them during our tour, because they paid money to be advertised. Since we had to do this, I’ve taken to reading actual Bazooka Joe Bubblegum jokes on my tour whenever I don’t get a laff from one of my regular jokes. It makes people really appreciate my humor craft even more.

One of my cool new pals at Hollywood Death Cab got employee of the month. He and I did the Barker shift the other day (rope in the tourists on Hollywood Boulevard, see this post for def: ), and I think that’s why he got the prize. He’s really handy, and when we walked out to his car in the parking lot, he managed to unscrew his hood ornament on his 76 Impala, and put on the Employee of the month prize. It’s freakin’ awesome.

Despite Dirk, Hollywood Death Cab gave me much pleasure today. I had a crew of happy Hasidic dudes. They acted like the giddy dancing guys on the Chabad signs. LOVED me. Yes, they did. Also a nice lady from New Jersey. I had our whole Death Cab shout “New Jersey Rules!” to her when she left.

I never pimp my crowd for applause at the end of the tour. A lot of guides do. They play a clip of people applauding, or some other hackneyed device. Can’t stand that. So, when I get applause, it’s heartfelt. Sometime’s I’ll say, if particularly moved by the applause: “Party at my house!” This little kid answered me back yesterday:

“When?”

“ahhh, 6AM tomorrow morning ,” I said.

I had a five year old who slept through the entire tour, even when we went throught the boistrious Car Wash, where they found TV star Mango Fizzstein dead. I told my Cab that I was worried I was boring, but was glad to see that even car wash could not wake this lil’ guy. Also tried out my new line about Cruise and Travolta NOT being gay when we went past the Scientology place. I basically protest over and over that they aren’t. They aren’t. Really, they’re not. Gets a huge laff, but if there’s a dwarf hiding in the bushes, this joke is history.

I really do remember the great tours I had as a kid. I went on a visit to this picturesque island in Michigan, Mackinaw. No cars allowed. So, we got a horse-ride from the ferry to our hotel by this college kid. He was the funniest thing ever, making horse-fart jokes that date back to chariots, but I wanted to go home to his house and worship him. There was also the time at Yorkstown, where we were surprised in a small room by a British soldier. British! Telling his side of the story of the surrender at Yorkstown. These moments inspire me to want to make my tour as memorable and fun. Which I felt I accomplished today, did four tours, that’s almost four hours of one-man show, but felt I nailed it.

Yup, yer strutting like a rockstar, only to brought down by management’s ministrations, once you walk back in the office. Had fantasies all day about how I would love to make all the tour guides a character on the tour, help with the writing, have us dress in a fashion as someone who’s actually has some connection to Hollywood, instead of the greeter at the Soup Plantation.

Other than that, it’s gotten quiet in Extra land. I really need to step it up to the next level and try and get more work. More initiative. More rejection.