Hollywood Death Cab's Nights of No Good ...

I signed on to do the elaborate Halloween tour Hollywood Death Cab puts on. Not from the touring angle, but being a ghoul for our guests. I had to audition by doing a ghoulish walk in front of some casting directors.

"Do a ghoulish walk," they said.

And I did. One guy misheard them as saying do a "girlish" walk and walked around like a little girl. They still hired him.

Now, because of my stunning ghoulish walk, I arrive 2 hours before the maze opens for make-up, prosthetics, costuming. Speaking of prosthetic's there's an actual one-legged girl we've hired. She's H-O-T hot. I keep wanting to ask her if she's heard of "Ampu-Love," she could make a fortune modeling, but then I fear I would be slapped, or slapped with a harrasment charge.

http://www.ampulove.com/

I love how all the pictured-above, Ampu-Luv girls have hair down there. Apparently, if you've lost a limb, it's too hard to trim. Maybe that could be a theme, the girls need lovers who will defoliate their wild and wooly forrests.

The one-legged girl at Hollywood Death Cab's No Good Nights hops around in this Meat Factory maze we've created. They've taken the concept of a Hormell Plant in Iowa, and turned it into a meaty maze. The girl is in the reception area, she's some sort of sad gal who survived the blood-letting, one leg left. They've made her up to look like the monster chick from "The Ring." Apparently, the meat miscreants went mad and started killing each other, instead of the critters. Tom Arnold, the comic, tells many a tale of working at a Hormel factory, and the zombie themes seem aligned with his version. Could you imagine walking into a real meat factory and seeing people missing limbs? If I owned one, I would hire precisely these people for my reception area -- one more reason not to let me get any power in this world.

I play an angry lamb cutter, who's decided to wield his cleaver against his fellow workers, who torment him with taunts about killing lil' baby lambs, instead of cows and other beefy bovines. When you walk in my area of the maze you see human heads boiling in cauldrons. "Say hello to my co-worker," I tell those who venture into my area, all the while lovingly rubbing his bobbing head.

As excited as I was to do something away from the pure Tour, to play a character, I am now equally dreading next weekend and the return of the No Good nights we feature. My stint in the meat factory was fucking awful. They did not give us any breaks, so I stood out in the rain on Friday, and the cold on Saturday, scaring people for about 7 hours on my feet. Two people fainted from exhaustion (they were chain-saw characters), and one kid blew his knee out and had to be rushed to the emergency room. By the end, I was reduced to a tiny “boo.” I would hide in my closet, and if people knocked on the door I would open it and yell "GO AWAY, I'M ON THE TOILET!" At which point, of couse, one of my bosses came by, exhorting me to have more energy! Scare more! You’re psychotic! No, you’re psychotic if you think we can do this job for 7 hours with no breaks and no fucking water nearby. Meanwhile, the No Good nights have sold out for Hollywood Death Cab, and we were entertaining a non-stop stream of people until 3AM. At one point, the wait to get in our maze was supposedly two hours.

Two huge gang guys took swings at me, that was truly scary for yours truly. I had gotten them to jump, when I found a hiding place in my area and lept out at them. They got teased by their posse, and then to avenge their shame, they tried to come after me. Fortunately, we have escape hatches built into the maze, and I made it just in time. I had heard stories of beat-downs in this this town, and I wanted no part of being a part of the legend.



Doobs were being lit. Many of the guests, the later it got in the night, would light up the minute they were in the dark maze. I was near the front of the maze, and noticed this behavior. The first time I was a good little ghoul and told my supervisor. However, after he admonished me to scare more, I decided that a little pot smoking was not ... my .. problem. Spark up! I told several of my maze-mates that if I was in my 20s, I would definately drop acid for this work. Then I got to thinking about my propensity to have paranoid trips off one hit of dope, and I realized that being in a maze, LSD coursing through my pysche, wigged out in a fright wig, would be a tremendously bad idea. Would I be an LSD casualty, going insane in a cheap carnival recreation of insanity? That's a Night Gallery episode I don't want to be in.

I had two of my guide pals drag through celebs. One had Brittany Spears& K-Fed. They were wearing masks. The other had The Simpsons. They should have been wearing masks. I think Jessica Simpson is horsey. She looked okay in the dark. I grabbed both my tour guide pals and took them to a back room where some of the ghouls had whippets. They both did whippets, then resumed their private celebrity tours.

The one cool part was this guy who plays “Brad Spit” for us in the Halloween Nights kept coming by my area and chatting me up. Yes, he looks like Brad, and yes he’s been his stand-in. He’s so beautiful, I tend to shy away, but he’s made the effort to engage me, and I’m enraptured. Maybe I can bring him home as a plaything to Gay Lover. I doubt it, but it’s worth fantasizing about.